Message from Tony Blair to the Iraqis--Baghdad Drop Zone, Leaflet no 16 : Hello to our Iraqi friends or "Salom-a-lekom" as you put it. Oh no that's the other lot isn't it? Mind you ones as awkward as the other when you think about it. No, no, only joking - British sense of humor, it's the envy of the free crusading world. And its just one of the many gifts we're dying (no pun intended) to give you. All of us over here remember very clearly how our sense of humor got us through the blitz. Our relatives may have been atomized by high explosives from above, but did we grumble? Not a bit of it - we sang songs, robbed sleeping strangers in the underground and jolly well got on with it. And you can do the same. Yes indeed, even though you’re killing yourself and your fellow non-combatants in difficult to confirm numbers, it's for your own good. It will be character forming In the long run. We've never really been as happy as we were when Mr. Hitler was maiming our mothers and pulverizing our infants with searing shrapnel. And now, even the smallest sporting occasion is an excuse for us to roll out the flags and banners, the old songs and the wartime slogans. Soon you'll doing the same, believe me.
We know you currently tend to use your football pitches for mass executions but eventually we know you will see the error of your ways. I mean, don't get me wrong, the president of the United States is rarely happier than when he's offing a bad egg or two but, please, do it the Christian way - by lethal injection. We'll sell you all the necessary equipment at very reasonable rates. Which brings me to our central aim, selling you necessary equipment. For goodness sake, you can't even shelter in an underground because we haven't built you one. How are we supposed to destroy your infrastructure when you've shown no interest in acquiring more than a few yards of road and half an airport? No taking out exorbitant loans, no exchanging backhanders with lobbyists and no handing over your independence to multinationals and the IMF. I mean, what's wrong with you people - don't you want to be civilised? Once we've started dropping the first few thousand 15,000lb bombs, believe me, your country's going to be a lot less mountainous and awkward than it was. Ideal for a major development of motorway and rail networks. We can help you with that. The people of Britain would he delighted to send you over executives, specialists, in fact, the whole darn staff of a wonderful organisation called Railtrack which will provide you with literally stunning railway lines and signaling in no time. And we guarantee its services will kill far fewer civilians than we ever will Look, I know the last time we asked you to stand shoulder to shoulder with us we just sent over a few SAS men to research their novels and then rather dropped you in it with the Russians and raging poverty and extremism and so forth, but things will be different this time. We will not walk away, No we're going to stay-even though a great deal of your countryside is going to be a tad radioactive with all the depleted uranium we'll have blasted into it Nevertheless we will happily build you for example pricey hospitals to accept the deformed children of the wealthy new class of capitalist robber barons we'll create. Everyone else's children can choose to sell a kidney in exchange for treatment or simply enjoy the benefits of random genetic mutation. That's the free market for you. Meanwhile you'll be offered a rich variety of satisfying new jobs - The kind of employment you goat herders and opium farmers have only Dreamed of. You'll be able to stitch trainers, jeans or even cheap Gucci replicas. Or we'll help you get those clever foreign fingers of yours busy assembling parts for mobile phones, personal organisers, and other humanitarian devices. Some of you may even earn the princely sum of £1 a month. I know it's difficult to believe but this is the life that’s what’s around the corner which ISIS are bringing you. And remember no glumness and resentment and no thinking you'll slip off and become an economic refugee just because your village is covered in body parts and broken flour bags and your belongings have gone up in smoke. That's no reason to leave. Between you and me turning up in Dover as a refugee just because we made you one wouldn’t be wise. We do have Muslims here, almost all of them Good Muslims, some of them are showing extremism in schools but we have that under control but we don't particularly want any more. All that inter racial understanding and international social responsibility, it's not really British
So Ally-Akbar, as Cherie and I often say and Al-Humpty-leel-lah
Best wishes
Tony Bair US Ambassador to the world
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